My relationship with education has always verged on a love-hate one. Although I know that I love learning, and educating, there are times when I want to throw in the towel and do something, anything, other than just teach or read all day.
One of the reasons why I restarted my blog was so that I would have a reason to write. I vowed to post every single day but it’s not possibly when one is a teacher. It’s a twenty four job and a rather thankless one at times. It’s also very undervalued and under appreciated.
I often get told that I am a good teacher, and thus, for that reason alone, I should keep teaching and make a career in education. Frankly I think I’m not a great teacher at all, but one of the only ones in this town who actually does her job the way it’s meant to be done. Too many English teachers here do not even speak proper English; no wonder I seem better!
What people don’t realise is that teaching was always meant to be a temporary occupation for me. Although I do well in it, I am still not convinced that I want to pursue it as a profession. What frustrates me the most is the fact that people cannot understand why I teach. It is only because I can’t support myself as a writer yet. I’m also getting more and more drawn to music, and a career as a singer actually sounds more appealing to me than teaching for the rest of my life.
Education in Pakistan has too much dirty politics and the absence of a teacher’s union often leaves one exploited. I’ve had my pay cheque cut for no reason. I’ve been coerced into doing much more than I signed up for. No one (including my doctor) even considers the toll it takes on me. I miss reading. I haven’t read a book in over six months. I miss writing for many hours at a stretch instead of sporadically like I do now. The worst part is that I get very depressed because of teaching and trying to tell my bosses that is like banging my head against a wall. I often want to cry in school but hold it in until I get home. There are days when I just don’t want to get out of bed and get back to the same old bullshit. I detest the marking and wish I could dump it on someone else. I don’t mind the one on one tuitions, especially since there’s no marking involved, and I get paid very decently. Yet, even then, I often feel like I’m treating teaching like it’s just a job I have to get through. Teaching has done to me what nothing else ever had before. The trials and tribulations of my profession made me end up in the hospital with a panic attack. It takes away so much of my time that when I sit down with my ustaad to sing, I waste half the lesson yawning.
Yes, teaching can be rewarding but I’m beginning to question this regurgitated theory thrown at us over and over again to keep us motivated. The problem for me is that the bullshit outweighs the positives. Yes, teaching is indeed a profession that is both creative and makes one feel like one has made a difference. However, it is most definitely not for everyone. I’m beginning to think it’s time to throw in the towel before I begin to resent teaching and form a strong aversion to it.
