Emails to the UK Visa Office

I applied for my British visa in the beginning of May and have, like many others, yet to receive it. What’s most frustrating and worse is the lack of cooperation from the British US visa office. First of all, it defies the senses that the visas are sent to Abu Dhabi to be processed. It feels racist really. Although Gerry’s, the courier office, happily responds to phone calls etc, they are thoroughly useless and politely say “we don’t know” to anything and everything anyone asks. Eventually, hoping to find out something, anything, I emailed Abu Dhabi only to get a reply saying they’ll get back to me “soon” but never replied. Irritated and desperate, I sent many sarcastic emails, which I cannot reproduce here just in case they decide to sue me or something. As a Pakistani citizen, I have no legal recourse as we are all well aware. I shall just reveal the delicious tit bits that got their attention.

I received my first positive response from Abu Dhabi (since “soon” had come and gone) after sending them the following email: I would REALLY APPRECIATE and love a reply to my query. I’m willing to even donate you an ovary and piece of my soul for this precious information.

They asked me for additional information which I sent them instantly. And then again, I waited in vain. Finally, I sent this: Really would be most grateful and appreciate a reply. Would mean a lot. PLEASE.

Followed by this a few days later: Do you require anything else? If no, A REPLY WOULD BE REALLY NICE AND APPRECIATED. It’s been 2 months. Thank you very much for inconveniencing my life sooooo much. I’m very grateful. Your instant replies must be lauded. And I sincerely thank you from the BOTTOM OF MY HEART for making us Pakistanis look polite and super efficient.

I’ve asked before: do you need an ovary for this precious information? If so, I’ll make arrangements to send it if it will get me a response. I have plenty to spare since I’m not even 30 yet.

Much regards and appreciation for the constant anxiety and migraine.

They replied the next day, on July 15^th, confirming that my documents have been processed and will be sent “soon.” Of course, this rather cryptic message wasn’t good enough for me, now fully frustrated at the fact that terrorists are issued visas and us, the secular people who are constantly getting threats for standing up against religious extremism are being denied. Are they trying to push me into the arms of those who happily create ludicrous conspiracy theories? Because, at the moment, they seem comforting.

Then I sent this: Does that mean that I’ve been granted and blessed with a visa or have I been rejected? Would love a reply again since the rejection rate from Abu Dhabi for Pakistani citizens is an astounding 47%. Secondly, could you please define “soon” and please let me know if they have been sent. Because sometimes it can take a very long time. The acceptable definition would be 3 or four days, but please let me know soon so I can book my ticket.

Abu Dhabi replied saying they couldn’t tell me anything due to the Data Protection Act. My reply: So you guys can’t even define what soon is? Because, according to many experts in the language who I have consulted regarding this matter, they say that your use of the word isn’t right. Soon would have meant I should have received it today really. It’s not like Abu Dhabi and Lahore are that far really. I’m not asking you to send me my documents to Mars. So I feel rather deceived. This isn’t soon. I feel lied to. Not nice… Do you perhaps put our documents on a ship, send it to Antarctica and then send them to Pakistan? That’s what it seems like. Again, thank you very much for this distress and the constant headache. I may be Pakistani, but I’m a human being.

And since this was a few days ago, I just sent them the following email:

Dear nameless, faceless visa officers,

Again, my kindest regards for making us Pakistani look efficient. It continues to defy my senses what your definition of “soon” is. I shall have to start teaching my students that they must learn a different definition of soon from now on if they ever apply for a British visa. But they’ll probably give me the standard reply: “but ma’am visas are issued by people playing eeni-meeni-minie-mo with our passports!” I’m afraid, at this point, this joke doesn’t seem like a joke, but a bitter reality.

According to many conspiracy theorists, you do indeed ship our documents to Antarctica before sending them back to Pakistan. They believe that since we are constantly denied visas and our passports are often hijacked for month on end, a few sympathetic White people decided that our passports should at least be allowed to travel. Now, since it is going to make a stop over in a land full of penguins, I was wondering if you could please send me a pair along with my passport. However, since penguins also have homosexual members, could you please ensure that one is male and the other is female? I only say this because it would be nice to have a family of penguins as a souvenir for my passport’s holiday since I doubt I’ll get my passport in time to go on mine. I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals; in fact my biggest desire is to produce a gay son one day.

Again, thanks for the wonderful treatment and the delay has just been the most wonderful thing ever. I missed my 10 year high school reunion. I cry every day when I see the pictures. I’m desperate to go see my friends, but why am I telling you this? You obviously don’t care…

Brown Watch

On my way to Pakistan for Easter break at the end of March, my watch (yes, my watch) got stopped at security. I took it off to put it in the scanner, and as I was gathering my things, I realised that it was not there. I panicked and looked at all the Bresis (British desis) around me suspiciously. When I asked the quite clearly Muslim, Brown Bresi (because they all look alike for some weird reason! I mean really. They do. I often see couples who could pass off as each other if they changed clothes, which is quite sick) where it was, he told me to get it from the main security desk.

Horrified with my ingrained racism against my own diasporic race, I went to the desk to pick it up. It was manned by lots of Bresis. When I asked for my watch, they asked me the most ridiculous of questions.

Bresi: Where did you buy this watch?
Me: In Lahore. In Pakistan.
Bresi: When did you buy this watch?
Me: Sometime last summer. Probably August or September.
Bresi (holding watch from me suspiciously and concealing it): What brand is it?
Me: Swatch.
Bresi nods: Yes. Now why did you buy this watch?
Me: Why did I buy the watch?
Bresi: Yes, why did you buy the watch?
Me: Are you serious?
Bresi: …
Me (now exasperated and feeling more racist than ever against Bresis): Is this because it’s a Brown watch?

The watch was meekly handed over. On my way back, I requested to be seated next to Pakistani passport holders. I mean really Bresis! When will you become normal people?

And now here’s a rather terrible but relevant poem by an exasperated person who is aspiring to be a Bresi. They’re quite clearly trying to copy my style as you can see, but falling flat on their face. [Please note use of the singular they− I  am not referring to multiple people and deliberately concealing the gender of this wretched soul. Do you think it’s a male or female? I think it’s wonderfully androgynous.]

Rejected and Deceived

Rejected and deceived,
We are told not to enter because
We will never leave.

This is the sin
Of being a Paki.
This is the crime
Of being brown.
This is the retribution
Of being victims of the Taliban.

At home I’m an infidel,
One who refuses to conform
To this Shariah created
By the Wahabis,
Sitting comfortably on thrones
In Saudi.

They are the ones who are responsible for this,
This militant brand of Islam.
They are the ones who are pouring money
Into tribal ignorance.

They are the ones.

They are the ones
Encouraging these men to behave
In a manner so horrifying,
So violent,
That it makes you want to kill them
In return.

Paki:
Filthy
Dirty

Get out of my country.
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