Ridiculous Wedding Excuses

So you’re getting married. Great! Whoop dee doo. La la la. *rain dance*

Happy? Apparently not… somehow it seems that without a hoard of people clapping them into intercourse, they cannot be truly happy. I’ve had many people try and threaten me with: “I’m not ever coming to your wedding! No one will come to your wedding!”  only to hear this reply: “That’s the point, moron!”

Pakistani have perfected the fine art for being constantly offended for one not participating in their month long “oooh my money LOOK! Shaadi shaadi shaadi!” celebrations and Nabiha has perfected the art of sending them excessively sarcastic & rude excuses. Here are some:

1. I fell in love
2. I fell out of love
3. I was about to get my period (PMS)
4. I got my period
5. I got post-menstrual crankiness after that. The whole month was ruined I tell you! RUINED!
6. I chipped a nail & cried for 3 days since I’m a woman.
7. Weddings depress me because my aim in life is to get married & pop 20 kids in a row since I am, after all, a woman. WHY won’t anyone marry me, damn it! (wailing starts)
8. I’m due for a wedding induced aneurysm that day.
9. My waxing lady fell sick. People would have thought a bear in sari has walked in.
10. And I also couldn’t get my face waxed. I was shit scared someone would mistake me for a goat and sacrifice me!
11. I am allergic to perfume. You don’t want me to die now, do you?
12. I have erythrophobia, which is fear of the colour red (via @mahnooryawar)
13. I burnt my sari while ironing it.
14. I burnt the house down actually.
15. I died temporarily. Want a doctor’s note?
16. I went into a coma for a few weeks. What a coincidence it was during the mating season…
17. I had promised my belly button I’d take care of all that fuzz.
18. I have a big date with my toe-nails. They’re very long with loads of dirt. Wanna see?
19. You spelt my name wrong. I’m not a Sheikh with an E. If you truly loved me, you’d know that. I’m so offended.  I thought we were close. I guess I was wrong. I feel betrayed. You betrayed me! (wailing)
20. What card? Something came for Mr & Mrs Shaikh & family. My name is not family.
21. You called my mother a Mrs. You are sexist & I a feminist. Conflict of interest here!
22. I converted to a new religion & going to weddings is strictly prohibited. You’re welcome to join me in a pork eating ceremony though. Ooops that conflicts with your beliefs now does it? Awww but come on it’s for my happiness, na!
23. I don’t believe in marriage. No seriously I don’t & if you don’t know that then we’re not good enough friends for me to attend your wedding anyway.
24. I absolutely refuse to reward this shameless display of heterosexuality.
25. I don’t attend weddings that don’t invite hijras.
26. I’m lactose intolerant. I accidentally ate some cheese and spent the evening farting.
27. You’re a firm believer in horoscopes, right? Well, my astrologer told me not to leave the house because I was in danger since Venus was in retrograde & Scorpio was blocking the sun! Apparently an anvil would have hit me on the head…
28. I was busy writing a rant about how much I hate you for inviting me to your wedding. Oh, and your present is not making it public by putting it up on my blog.
29. Errmm when were we even friends?! Just because I know you, doesn’t mean I like you enough to put on a sari.

And here are some actual conversations I’ve had:

“Oh you see the thing is that I fell off the toilet, hit my head on the floor & got amnesia.”

“But you missed the WHOLE wedding. When did this happen?”

“Errmm what were your dates again?”

“You missed my wedding!” said an indignant cousin. “WHY weren’t you there?”

“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. My allergies were acting up. I thought I was going to die! It’s a miracle I’m alive, really.”

“That’s so sad, Nabs. So sorry to hear that & now I understand, you poor thing. What are you allergic to anyway?”

“Weddings and aunties…”

All jokes aside, the people I personally judge the most are those who don’t even consider giving me a break for this very genuine excuse: “it’s exam/essay time. My students need me & I need to mark papers, not shake butt cheeks.” Just the very fact that someone is asking me to sacrifice education for their shameless display of riches in a poor land speaks volumes about their character. Anyone who thinks that their self-indulgent events are more important than education is, frankly, someone I’d rather not associate with. They are not the kind of company I keep.

Furthermore, the next time someone tells me to at least show my face (the moun to dekha do! whine) I’m going in pjs with oil in hair, unthreaded, unshowered, looking worse than anyone can even imagine. Either that or I’m sending this picture:

How Low Can You Go?

A couple of weeks or so ago, I wrote this article, which was also published here. The reaction was ferocious & people decided to only read the ironic part as serious and chose to ignore my actual opinion. I was threatened as expected and since then, people have been trying to change my blog’s password.

My point in this blog post simply was that the Newsweek list of women shaking Pakistan was not a representative list. I used what made for good content and my personal opinion of the women I’ve mentioned is that what they are doing is commendable and worthy of admiration.

However, some people chose to read this only for offense and now they’re crossing all limits. My blog comments are moderated and I have the right to reject comments that are slanderous & threatening.

I was issued the following rape threat by a Saima Ameen Hameed, presumably a transvestite who still uses her male name as her email address, which is khan.moeen@yahoo.com & whose IP address is 207.204.234.24: “I think all you need is a really big one in your cunt. Do you agree Nabiha? I would love to give it to you…”

And then said: “I’m going to be posting a short (but vivid) video of you on Youtube.com. Watch this space… Black bra, pink top. Stay tuned!”

Am I personally worried? No, not at all because obviously no such video exists and unless someone spends a lot of time & money on having a great fake video made, it’ll be easy to point out that it’s a fake. And if someone does go ahead and use up their resources, then it’ll be a waste because it wouldn’t affect me. I truly have thick skin unlike most Pakistanis I know. What others say about me does not affect me. If I don’t respect someone, then it doesn’t matter to me what they think of me. Why? Because I’m not insecure. It’s just as simple as that.

Similarly, people swearing at me, and calling me any names, doesn’t affect me. Why? Again, I’m not insecure & if I don’t care for someone, then it doesn’t matter what they say. What I aim for self respect and the love of those I love in return.

But what I do pose to everyone is the following question: does criticising a list justify threatening someone with rape & fake porn videos? And does the man who is being included, who had nothing to do with it, deserve this? And do my family deserve this?

In Pakistan, a family’s worth & honour is measured by the sexual purity of the female members of the family. Even if my parents don’t believe that to be true, this live in THIS culture, and in THIS country. What did they do wrong other than spawn me? Do they deserve to be this humiliated? Does my sister, who has nothing, whatsoever to do with my writing, deserve this? And what about my innocent brother in London?

Is this a game, I wonder, called “How Low Can You Go?” If so, congratulations dear offended, you’ve proven that it’s possible to easily hit the lowest of the lows and have proven that it’s possible to be an elite terrorist.

Shaking Pakistan with Lipstick

I must say that Newsweek Pakistan has outdone itself with its list of the 100 Women Who Shake Pakistan. Never has such an extraordinary list been created. I bow down.

Some of the women listed here have “shaken” Pakistan on such a large scale that it’s a wonder that they haven’t had a street named after them yet. The most commendable of the lot, also very well known to all Pakistanis as our very own Estee Lauder, is Mehrbano Sethi, who introduced cosmetics in a country where makeup was largely unavailable. Her contribution to Pakistani womanhood is unparalleled in the history of the country. Let’s bow down.

Sethi has, incredibly, shaken Pakistan with lipstick unlike the no make-up Hina Jillani who was left out of this list for surely a life-long, country-wide, feminist struggle is nowhere near the empowerment women get from layers of foundation. Nothing feels better than sticky lipgloss which gets stuck in your hair. Undoubtedly, nothing is more empowering than nailpolish. Pretty hands stand above and beyond women’s shelters & justice. Only a “jealous” non-elite fool would deny that.

And the women agree. Women from all over the country travel to our major cities where it is available, often in droves, cleaning up shops as they go along. News of Luscious has spread so far & wide in the land that poems based on the products are being memorised in order to advertise to the illiterate. Women in Thar dance to the tunes. Activists have volunteered hours of their lives to translate them into all our national languages. They are jingles so powerful that Abida Parveen herself wouldn’t be able to do them justice. Near eid, our shopkeepers can hardly keep up with the large demand. Medora, Swiss Miss & all the other local beauty brands are seriously considering shutting down. “Even though we’re cheaper, poor people are more than willing to spend money on a product that puts Estee Lauder to shame,” said an employee with tears in her eyes.

“It’s true,” said a woman in a store in Peshawar who had come all the way from Waziristan looking for things she could use to empower the oppressed women of her area with. “We are willing to spend more. Look it’s simple. Medora nailpolish chips in 2 days whereas Luscious lasts me 2.5 days.” In front of my very eyes, she bought everything in the store. “This is the best present I could give to the women living under the Taliban. I don’t care about these rights groups or shelters etc. Women aren’t interested in this funny concept of freedom or equality you silly city fool! They want to look pretty. Don’t you know that’s the only way to feel good?” I hung my head in shame & instantly decided to get a manicure. It didn’t make me feel better, so I’m wondering if I should get my sex changed to male officially…

But in all seriousness, although what Sethi & the other women who I don’t think should be on this list have achieved is commendable, and should indeed be lauded, they are not a patch on the worthier ones who were left out. I admire them for their resolve, but they are not known to most Pakistanis. The only ones who do know them well are those who are catering to their own elite crowd through a publication. It’s something we’ve all witnessed before: sycophantic elite self-love, giving each other way more importance than necessary & making an erroneous assumption that they can speak for Pakistan without knowing the ground realities. How many people even know who Selina Rashid is for example? I do but only because she happens to be related to me & knows the same tiny circle. Much as I admire her & laud her for creating a company that is definitely praiseworthy, I do not think she has “shaken” Pakistan. Her market is a tiny elite circle or those who can afford her services. What she has done is commendable & I sincerely hope more women follow in her footsteps instead of sitting home or baking cupcakes. What I object to is the fact that too many worthier women, who actually represent Pakistan, were left out.

Honestly, I often wonder what planet our elite live on in general, but that’s another story.

And let me state here, again, like I have so many times in the past, that the elite self-love circle will probably be out for my blood for even daring to say this. And I will indeed report all their hilarious comments back. I will be accused of being “jealous” & “insecure” (which is basically the following wail: “WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME DAMN IT?! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BLINDLY LIKE YOU SHOULD?!”) because, after all, who on earth would voluntarily make the decision to be a low-life teacher?  This is the only way they know how to deal with valid & logical criticism which makes me sad, especially as a teacher, to see so many parhay likhay jahils. What makes this whole song & dance the Lahori elite and I have going is the fact that the more they hate me, the more confident I become as a writer for, after all, being detested by those who lack brains is sometimes a bigger compliment than critical acclaim. I won’t deny that I find it all terrible amusing and when they do the whole drama, I thoroughly enjoy watching them drive themselves up the wall for no good reason whatsoever. It’s comical, really.

Let the witch hunt begin. I’m quite used to it and I have elephant skin. But first let me bow down to this shameless display of irresponsible “journalism”.