Violence against teachers

No matter what one feels about a teacher, pushing one is totally unacceptable. Sure I had teachers I wanted to hit, throw shoes at and push off cliffs. But I didn’t because that would just be heinous, despicable…

Today one of my students shoved me more than once. Actually he’s no longer my student. My class had seven bad eggs who were pulling the rest of the class down. At first, the school wasn’t too bothered until one day when I just lost it. I was ready to quit. When I gave detention, they pet the kids and told them to behave. When I insisted, they told me not to because it would make me unpopular. Like I’m there to make friends. When I issued pink cards, they would, again, give the kids a warning (pink cards are complaints that go on their permanent records). Once I insisted upon issuing the pink card and it was given to the kid who in turn went home and wept. He created this whole fuss about how I was targeting him. So his mother refused to sign it and sent it back. The result? He was free to do as he pleased again.

Actually this student is quite a conniving little fellow and his parents let him get away with murder. At the parent teacher meeting, I expressed my concern and told them that he had a behaviour problem. They refused to believe me. They kept implying that I was lying and kept defending him. “You’re the ONLY teacher that has a problem with him!” they declared. I was left stupefied. If my teachers had said something like that about me, my mother would have hung me upside down from a fan and then switched it on full blast. In fact, they were so clueless and delusional about their child that they kept telling me how all the other teachers loved him and how he was the best thing that could ever happen. They told me to adjust my behaviour and they implied that I deserved what I got. What really pissed me off was the fact that I had heard three other teachers complain to them in front of me. I have severe issues with parents like that and I’m very glad I don’t have to deal with them anymore.

So, at the beginning of this term, I kicked out 7 boys. I was more than happy to be rid of them. It’s one thing to have a bad student, but it’s quite another to have a bad person as a student. They’re still royal pains in the behind though. They make a huge effort to disrupt the class and take ages to leave when I walk in. But today just took the cake…

I walked into class. The sports teacher gave the kids permission forms for something or the other. I don’t really care. The offender- the one who pushed me- grabbed all the forms and started pretending to distribute them. In reality, he was causing a ruckus and deliberately stalling. His teacher, for reasons unknown to me, doesn’t care if they show up late, so they feel free to wander around at will. That’s why they deliberately cause havoc and make a huge show out of leaving. They take ages to pack their bags. The kid with the delusional parents always yells and makes one hell of a lot of noise. Today, when I complained about that, he lied with such a straight face that I was left amazed. And I completely blame his parents.

Anyway, the violent child who was pretending to distribute the papers, had to be told off. He absolutely refused to leave. I took his bag and was going to put it outside so that he wouldn’t make a big fuss about the bag. He often takes about two whole minutes to hoist it on his back. He saw me take the bag and he grabbed it. Knowing that I had a firm grip on it, he grabbed it and started shoving me. I managed to hold on to the bag and I put it outside. Once outside, he started shoving the door into me. He knew I was standing behind it since it is mostly glass. He could see me quite clearly. He repeatedly shoved the door into me. Then he left.

I was livid. I couldn’t believe that a student would ever resort to physically abusing the teacher. Never did I think it would happen to me and I truly hope it doesn’t happen to another teacher. The Principal was very understanding. She gave him a tight slap, which was really quite satisfying to watch. Then she suspended him for 2 days.

The people who know me are as livid as I am about this. In fact, a few have suggested that this punishment isn’t enough. I don’t know what to think anymore. Private schools are equally to blame for this terrible attitude. They cater to the parents and the result- not to the actual development of the child. I don’t think they educate in the true sense. Yes, they are a far better option than our local government schools, but that’s not enough. It’s not enough to get good grades. A good education should teach you respect for humanity and the environment. I feel damn lucky to have been part of UWC for I truly got a wonderful overall education there. We need schools like UWC here desperately. I aim to open one as soon as I can save enough money. It’s a long way off, but I am adamant about making it happen some day. I certainly don’t ever want to see my siblings’ kids in any school that doesn’t provide them with a comprehensive education. The O level system is ridiculous. It’s based on gimmicks and points. I have personally taught kids who can hardly speak English, yet they got A’s. The system has been cracked and the leaks are soon going to burst. Anyone with me?

my anger through fists, into walls;

This is a post by Nuhzat Saadia Siddiqui from her blog “hooray for the 21st century;” (The blog is on my blogroll) I loved what she wrote, especially since her expression beautifully conveys what so many people are feeling at the moment. What is really pertinent about this is that Nuzhat is not a political person, but has, like most of us, been sucked into the current political situation and the many questions that come with it. I hope you like it!

Three days ago, while on my way home from work, I saw a banner in Model Town congratulating the ‘Lion of the Land’ (Musharaf) on saving the nation and the country with a sensible decision to impose state of emergency. For a second, I paused and wondered whether to take the garishly bold text seriously or to dismiss it as sarcasm. These days, everyone’s a cynic with his or her opinion about the current political upheaval in the land, so I tend to take every statement condemning or praising Musharaf with a massive pinch of salt. But this banner got me thinking: would it have been allowed to stay up if it condemned rather than praised Mr. General President? Maybe, maybe not. I have seen instances of tolerance and moments of impatience in the man who made a brand out of Enlightened Moderation, so even now, I am rather confused about how to comment on his mercurial behavior.

To be absolutely honest, my apathy kicks in when I hear about political fiascos these days. It is my version of Ginsberg reaching for his feather boa whenever he heard the word ‘democracy’. I don’t care about political tantrums and intrigues. I could not nod twice about the hypocritical, manipulative scheming of the likes of BB, Main Mian, The General President and Ran Khan et cetera. All I know for sure is that I am a citizen of this country. I am the common man everyone wants to talk about but not to. I am a part of the nation that has very spectacularly been look over than looked at by verbose but lacking civil and military dictators. I am the ‘awam’ that has been let down so many times it has mastered the art of passive aggressive nonchalance. So what do I understand from the current situation? What do I want?

I want a revolution. I want the inside of our heads and hearts out, finally, for good. I want the hungry to be fed and the naked to be clothed. I want the shamed to be awarded the grace they deserve. I want promises fulfilled. I want my say in the ideals that should be making a better future for this country. I want those who toil twelve hours a day, bare-foot and thirsty under the sun in the fields to have the same right. I want us to be informed about our rights and then be allowed the freedom to exercise them as well. I want to fulfill our duties and I want everyone in the football team in Islamabad to do the same. I want water and education, I want light and protection. I want doubt, religious paranoia and fear of every stranger to be exorcised out of me by some sensible souls who do it in halves, but hope to make it a whole one day. I want to not be trivialized by the world community and the government, and I want to not be the sensational piece of breaking news for the local media. I want some piece and quiet, and I want my damn country back.

Enough, as they say, is enough.

They are surely wiser than us. Look at them burning gold into their history pages while we collect the ashes.

I want the flame, not the residue.

Excuses, excuses…

Musharraf has finally acknowledged that hosing down the forensic evidence immediately after the attack on Benazir Bhutto was a very stupid thing to do. I didn’t like his pathetic excuse though. He blames it on incompetence. He said some policemen thought it best to clean up the area as soon as possible. POLICE? Are you freaking kidding me? Police know that a crime scene should be sealed off and thoroughly investigated. If someone in the police doesn’t know that, they should be fired!

Gimme a break. At least Mush has indirectly acknowledged that he is working with fools and madmen- all his own.

Excessive loadshedding

10 hours of loadshedding a day is inhumane! Our lives are constantly being disrupted. Although I do have a generator at home- that does not connect automatically- my eccentric parents do not switch it on every time the light goes. Fair enough. It does go very often. They tend to switch it on from late afternoon/evening till the time they go to bed, which is around midnight, so I do realise that I’m very fortunate. The common man, however, isn’t…

The government has announced that loadshedding will continue till the 25th. Add ten more days to that. At least. The electricity crisis in the country is huge, but since we’re going through a massive political and judicial crisis, no one is focusing on power production. The sad fact of the matter is that for the past 9 years that we have been living under Musharraf’s rule, not a single power plant has been set up. Yet the government has made a (slight) effort to connect electricity to some villages. Urban areas have expanded rapidly, at a rate that’s hard to fathom. More and more suburbs are expanding around Lahore. Johar Town, which used to be a ghost town when I was in school there, is now chock full of houses. Raiwind, which was nothing but empty grassland, is also looking like a fully developed suburb. Shops have cropped up everywhere. Restaurants have opened like wildfire. Malls are being built. How on Earth could a government lack such foresight? Did it not realise that urban (and rural) development or progress, whatever you want to call it, necessarily needs a constant supply of electricity? Why haven’t new damns been built? Why hasn’t the government made a concentrated effort to increase power supply? Why do we even have to ask such questions?

We are also running out of gas. This stupefies the hell out of me. We produce gas. It is found naturally in this country. It is not being supplied efficiently. Cutting off gas in homes in winter is cruel. Most heaters run on gas. Geysers need gas. We cook with gas. It is not something we can do without in this cold weather.

My cousin told me that yesterday she was at her parents’ house in Liberty. They had no gas, electricity or water all morning and afternoon. My maid says that her area seems to be bearing the brunt of this burden. I’m not surprised since it’s always the poor who suffer the most. She says that they often don’t have electricity for 2 days straight and the gas supply is periodical. This is happening in Lahore- the second largest city in the country and the cultural capital. Imagine going to Cuckoos at night to see the Badshahi masjid beautifully lit up, only to see darkness… I know that even lighting up the mosque these days is wasteful, but the thought of my city sinking into darkness is not an image I am ready to accept. We need power. We need electricity. We demand that our government, instead of killing people and spreading discontent, should get off its ass and do something practical for once!

PS: I wrote this post at around 2:30 pm. The electricity went from 1-2. Then 3-3:30. At 4:30 the power went out again and I’m waiting for it to return. Hopefully soon. Yesterday, and for the past week or so, loadshedding happened every two hours. 11-11:30. Then 1:30-2. Then 4-4:30… you get the drift. Today it’s been on the hour, every hour. Driving me nuts. This is just absurd! It’s 5 pm on the dot now. It’s back. Will go at 6 I’m assuming.

BB’s Arranged Marriage

I’m getting a little sick of Western journalists’ constant reference to Benazir Bhutto and Asif Zardari’s marriage as arranged. Today I read a comment that said: “Asif Zardari, Bhutto’s arranged marriage husband…” Relevance? Why is it relevant? Are they so ignorant as to think that an aspiring leader of a very conservative Muslim country would even opt for a “love” marriage? Do they really have such a lack of understanding about Pakistani culture? If so, can we trust their opinion and analysis about this topic?

In Pakistan the vast majority of marriages are arranged. Choosing one’s own spouse is problematic. There are thousands of honour killings every year because of people (mostly women) wanting to marry for love. In fact, non-arranged marriages are so rare, that they’re referred to as “love” marriages. When someone says that two people got married, we automatically assume that their marriage was arranged because if it wasn’t, the couples entire romance would have been revealed to you.

I guess that the fact that arranged marriages are so rare in the west is what gives them that novelty. They are our equivalent of “love” marriages, yet I still think this constant reference to BB and Zardari’s marriage as arranged is getting a little annoying. It would be fine if written in an article about her life, but it’s not ok when it’s used out of context. Arranged marriages often revoke horror and thoughts of oppression in western readers. Just reading the words “arranged marriage” automatically leads to a judgement, often negative, being formed by the reader. And it’s not right to slot and pigeon hole all arranged marriages. There are many different sorts. I highly doubt Benazir Bhutto didn’t consent to her marriage. I also doubt that she didn’t know who she was marrying. I would be surprised if I found out that they hadn’t met before the wedding, as is the case in many, many arranged marriages.

My point is that western journalists need to stop demonizing us- the ones who she belonged to. It is the western journalists who are looking in. In this case, they are the “other”.

Terror

Disclaimer: I am not anti-American, nor do I have any issues with the Jewish nation. I only object to certain policies of many governments, especially my own. I am not trying to offend any one culture or religion. I am a firm believer in human rights. This piece is not intended to cause any offence and if it does, I apologize in advance.

I’m feeling very distressed today because it seems that the US government is trying its darndest to come in and bomb the life out of us. Yes, it is true that the tribal belt of Waziristan is harbouring fugitives. Yes, it is true that Osama bin Laden is probably hiding somewhere in that region (though I’m beginning to question his existence). It is true that terrorist training camps are proliferated with disenfranchised and brainwashed youths. However, all this is, and should be, an internal affair. Foreign intervention, especially from the US, will only add fuel to fire. As it is there is much resentment amongst the masses when it comes to US foreign policy, and some of it is quite justified. What the US needs to realise, however, is that although there are millions of Taliban in this country, they are a fraction of the population, which is over 150 million. The vast majority of people do not have a fundamentalist view of life; in fact people are intrinsically tied to their culture and have syncretistic approach to their religion. There is no one interpretation of Islam, and fundamentalism in this region was nurtured and born out of US foreign policy. For those who are not aware, the US supported the Afghan “mujahideen” in their war against Russia, proving aid, equipment and training. Their own creation turned around and stabbed them in the back.

I take issue with the word terrorist itself. Terror does not solely belong to the Jihadi Muslim. Terror doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to hurt the West alone. Terror, as I see it, is so common the world over that we’ve had to slot it in a pigeon hole and define it very narrowly. I see terror as the Rawandan genocide that was ignored by the west, even though there was enough warning. I see the same terror in Sudan. Terror to me is not just the Hamas militants on suicide missions in Israel, but also the so called “legitimate” actions of the Israeli government when it comes to dealing with Palestinians. I also see racial profiling as a profound form of terror.

Terror is what I felt when the Lal Masjid was under attack. The images of religious fundamentalists wearing gas masks, and sitting on a stock pile of artillery were truly frightening. It was horrifying to realise that this kind of militancy was taking place in the heart of the capital. In this case, is the government to blame? Most definitely. Most argue that Musharraf waited too long to act upon the Lal Masjid issue, especially since the students of the madrassa and Jamiah Hafsa had already been on a rampage in the capital doing heinous things like taking a woman’s child away and kidnapping Chinese citizens. I say that yes, they did wait, but at least they did something. Never before have I seen the Pakistani government take such pro-active action against a threat to national security (ours- not yours). Yes, Musshy has ulterior motivates. Imposing martial law would serve his purpose and help him delay the elections so that he can remain in power. But, in my quest to be an optimist (for once), I have some hope that Musharraf will take some form of action in Waziristan now that the US has threatened to do so. I also have some hope that the deal between Musharraf and Benazir Bhutto will lead to some sort of push towards democracy (albeit a sham one). I also am not too distressed about Bhutto’s return as I think that despite her corrupt background, she will not let terrorism flourish as much as she did in the past.

I know I’m deluding myself. The reality is that the army is full Islamic sympathisers. The reality is that Benazir is a self serving politician who will do all she can to remain in power- the power she has been craving for years. I still want to hope that someone will do something, somehow. US intervention in Waziristan will only lead to a spate of terrorist activities in the country- something we are witnessing on a fairly regular basis now. Reading the newspaper or listening to the news has become an anxiety inducing experience for me now. Everyday raises new, truly fucked up questions and I almost feel like I’m waiting for a deadline to approach. I have no hope for the situation to get better anytime soon, but I do wish for some respite and hope that it doesn’t escalate. And escalate it will if the US comes in.

The fact of the matter is that this is not just a war on the West, but a war on us, the so called elites, who are viewed as too western. We are seen as a stain on the name of Islam. We are seen as apostates and whores. We are as much of a threat to the religious fanatics as is the West. What the West needs to realise is that we are also at as much risk as they are. Indeed, it can be argued that we are at more risk since fundamentalists do not have to cross borders to get to us, and have an extensive support system of madrassas all over the country. According to our local Taliban we, the so called liberals, need to be ousted and shariah law imposed.

Another factor which needs to be addressed is the fact that many “Muslim” terrorist in the West are home-grown. Many hail from the very country they attack. Yes, they do come to Pakistan to get trained etc. but why is that? Why can’t the West pause to reflect on that for a moment? The fact of the matter is that these very youths feel disenfranchised and isolated in the West, where they live. They are not just religious people who have suddenly found a renewed purpose. A person being questioned due to racial profiling is seen by many as insulting, which it really is. The ill treatment, illegal detention and forcible deportations in the name of terrorism provoke intense anger. The existence of Guantanamo Bay is immensely distressing for Muslims the world over, even secular ones. It is a blatant violation of human rights, and to assume that people are guilty until proven innocent is something only fools and madmen can agree with. This is similar to terrorism in any country- any minority that feels oppressed will eventually come to a breaking point.

There are plenty of political factors. The West’s support of Israel is seen by many Muslims as a slap on the face. The plight of Palestinians is felt throughout the Muslim world. The war in Afghanistan has not improved the situation in the country much, nor will it until the Taliban’s stronghold is destroyed. The war in Iraq is seen as a heinous sham and is thought of as a way of imposing power over the resources of the nation. The war on Iraq was a blow to Muslims the world over because it was instigated in the name of terrorism, but is viewed as Bush’s personal vendetta against Saddam Hussain. Ironically, Iraq seems to have more Al-Qaeda supporters now than they did in the past. This farcical war has managed to create a whole new spate of terrorists.

My point is that foreign intervention or the invasion of a country has not helped in the recent past, thus it is doubtful that it will help now. In fact, what it will be seen as is yet another imposition of the West upon Muslim countries and will undoubtedly add fuel to fire. By invading and bombing Pakistan, America will not see an end to terrorism within its boundaries- it is likely that she will see more. American will see more resentment and a renewed sense of “jihad”. What will happen is truly counterproductive and frankly, a disgusting show of power. I just hope that these threats remain threats. I also hope that bombing Pakistan is being used as an election issue and is not a real, concrete idea because for me, terror includes many factors that the West is guilty of.

Terror to me is the unrealistic debt rescheduling that the IMF imposes on developing countries. Terror is violence in the name of religion. Terror is violence against a religion under the assumption that every follower is a potential threat. Terror is racism. Terror is sexism and crimes against women that are silenced everyday. Terror is the injustice that is prevalent the world over. Above all, terror is the fact that the West produces more then enough food to feed the world, yet chooses to watch millions starve. Terror is the fact that when a western citizen dies there is a huge outcry and thirst for revenge, yet when tons of third world citizens the world over die, there is no justice, no respite, no hope.

Every mother cries for her dying child. Every mother who loses a child to malnutrition feels a loss more profound than I can imagine. The same is true for mothers of jihadis, whether we chose to believe it or not. These same jihadis can either be bombed, or a more humane approach can be adopted. Kill them or educate them- that is the crucial question. We know what doesn’t work- slaughtering Muslim fundamentalist has not worked, and has lead to a lot of resentment. Lest we make the same mistake again, perhaps we should draw a lesson from it. Why not shut down madrassas with weapons? Why isn’t the government making the madrassas conform to the country’s education requirements? Why aren’t they imposing the syllabus? I guess the biggest question is why are they letting the religious fundamentalists brainwash our youth under the guise of an “Islamic” education? The simple fact of the matter is that we, Pakistanis, need to stop turning a blind eye to these issues. Also, we, the privileged few, need to try and understand the reality of those who resent us and why. Only then can we heal. Until then all we can do is hope and pray that we do not become the next Iraq.

Oh, and please watch “Khuda Ke Liye” (In the name of God). It is perhaps the best Pakistani independent movie ever produced, even though it has its faults. The movie deals with the issue of terrorism and the toll it takes on people. It raises questions we chose to ignore. It’s well worth the three hours.

A response to stupid questions about Women’s Studies

I have a degree in Women’s Studies. What’s that you say? You aren’t the first person to ask. Every time I bump into a desi person, especially a Pakistani, and tell them what my degree is in, their first reaction is to laugh and stare at me in disbelief. Somehow no one seems to believe that a major devoted to a feminist cause could possibly exist, and if it does, then why on a earth would a Pakistani want to major in “such a thing” since, according to a lot of narrow minded people I have met, it seems to be a major with which I will never be able to get a job. However, I believe that due to the excess amount of Pakistanis majoring in IT and CS, there will be a plethora of these graduates that will be left unemployed and will eventually end up driving cabs.

What I find really funny is people’s comments about my major. Someone once asked me why I’m studying women when I am one. He reasoned that men should take the courses I take in order to understand women. Another person asked me if I believed in human rights (as if women are separate from humans?!), and yet another looked at me and very seriously asked, “Don’t you think the situation in Afghanistan and Iraq is more serious?” People have asked me if I enjoy “academic male bashing”, since according to their narrow perceptive, feminists have nothing better to do in life apart from swear at men all day long. Others just assume that all feminists wish to create a matriarchy in society, not knowing that a hegemony of any sort goes against feminist ideologies and principles.

I think most people’s perceptions of feminists are that we are emotionally distressed women who have nothing better to do than talk about how repressed we are all day long. However, I do believe that the majority of Pakistani males I meet are extreme misogynists, especially in front of strong women. Feminism in its most basic form is nothing but the desire to make the world a better place for women to live in. The misogynists who condemn me for only concentrating on women instead of poverty, racial conflicts and “repressed men” are not willing to step off their pedestals for their own wives, mothers or daughters, and yet they claim they will willing do so for someone from a class lower than theirs and a different race. The feel that they need to control their women, like pet bitches, laying rules for each and every single aspect of their lives, which includes who they should love and touch. All these ludicrous restrictions, such as what a woman can wear, what she can do and cannot do, are meant to be for her “own good”. This sort of attitude has messed up our country to a great extent, and not many people are willing to change. We kill women for any violation of honour, like a fleeting hello with a strange man. We kill women for money, we sell our souls, our pride, we have no values and yet we preach religion.

What’s even worse is the amount of families I have met who claim to be “progressive, liberal and free thinking” when all they are an extreme confusion of the west and the east. They feel that by dressing like westerners and speaking their language they are great examples to the community around them. Yet, they keep their females under lock and key, monitoring their lives (and phone calls), and are more concerned about the daughter’s jahez than anything else. A female Einstein could be born in their midst and they would let her dress like him, but once she hits about 22 they would marry her off and then pressure her to become a baby machine.

However the worst of the lot are the women who have the ability and power to make a change and do not do so. These include the educated women who decided to give up on careers and settle for meaningless socialising after having bagged a rich man. Apparently children can’t be brought up properly unless the mother isn’t doing anything in her life. Ironically, most of these women have an endless stream of nannies who take care of the children, and all the so-called home maker does is look at them once in a while (when she isn’t too busy with the darzi that is). Some refuse to breast feed their babies because it takes up too much of her time and they feel restricted when they have to be with their baby all the time. They probably wouldn’t have had the damn child unless they hadn’t been pressured to, their attitude seems to suggest. Unfortunately most of these women then go on to join the aunty club and start an endless cycle of aunty hood by producing more and more aunties. Yet, the ones I feel deserve the most condemnation are the ones who are the advocates for arranged marriages, who put females on display like prized horses at a grooming show, completely marginalizing women as human beings. Unfortunately these women live in a delusion where they insist that arranged marriages work better than those where two people decide to come together in a union of love out of their own free will. Every time I hear that statement I think to myself that arranged marriages work because they people who entered them didn’t really do it out of choice, and that even if they are miserable, most of the time they continue to live in a bad marriage because of the taboo placed on divorce by our society. Also, families raise girls to be completely obedient, regardless of the situation she is in. It is a well known fact that a Pakistani woman will go to extremes to make her marriage work, otherwise, regardless of the cruel things that happened to her, she will be the one labelled “the bitch”. It’s unfortunate that these women are brought up to believe that her husband comes before her and that his needs are more important than hers. What’s even worse is that this is a plague that has infested the entire country, even the so-called liberal, progressive thinkers.

So next time you encounter a feminist and decide to start making stupid comments about feminism (which you probably don’t know much about), then watch out, we have a lot to say and are not afraid of saying it.

Just another rant…

I had to struggle with the fact that it wasn’t my fault. I had to deal with the anger and the pain and so I repressed it. I let it flow and felt the anger take over all of me. And now I realize that it wasn’t me but you.

You who shaped me, moulded me and tried to get me to conform to what you believe is right. You who suppresses, who loves, who is the mother, the father, the child, the wise elderly, the doctor, the labourer, the rebellious teenager, the educated, the beggar, the corrupt, the honest, the hard worker, the leech, the scrooge and the philanthropist. You who lays down that rules that must be followed which include every aspect of my existence from the amount of clean air I breathe to the person I love (and how). You who controls what restrictions should be imposed upon me “for my own good”: what clothes I should wear, where I should go, who I should associate with, what I can eat, what I can do; what I cannot achieve because there is an endless list of what I must not do. These are the restrictions that you have imposed upon me purely because of my sex.

It is you who allows me to be viewed as an object rather than person. You treat my kind as animals rather than thinking reasoning humans with minds of their own. It is you who makes the streets unsafe for us to walk on. Public places meant for leisure are places where we feel highly insecure. Even in our homes we are not safe. In our homes we suffer all sorts of abuse that ranges from sexual abuse to mental threats. Beatings, burnings, acid faces, incest and other forms of violence. Don’t tell me about your long hard day at work. I have a daughter who has just been molested, a sister who has just been burnt, a friend who has lost her face because acid was thrown on it and I am the victim of constant rape, but since it is by my husband, it is not considered wrong.

Thinking about liberation is not right. Talking about wanting rights that will make our position in society better for us as individuals, rather than role model daughters, wives and mothers is dismissed as ludicrous by you. By you who I keep referring to, I don’t just mean the males among you, I also mean the women who have the ability and the power to make a change but prefer avoiding conflict. By you I mean the educated ones who decided to give up on careers and settle for meaningless socialising after having bagged a rich one. By you I mean those who once felt the blazing desire to change their position, but have now lost all their idealism. By you I mean those who have the resources to help but prefer to turn a blind eye. By you I mean the aunties to raise their daughters to fall into the same disgusting cycle. By you I mean those who advocate arranged marriages where females are put on display like prized horses at a grooming show. By you I mean the ones who will willingly allocate a lot more resources for their sons rather than their daughters. By you I mean the ones who stay silent. By you I mean those who allow horrific acts to occur before your very eyes because it serves your purpose. By you I mean those who don’t encourage those of us devoting our lives to make this world a better place for you and your children… those who scoff at the idea of women’s studies… those who say that there is no need for feminism, but there is a need for human rights. If you can’t place your own women in your position, if you can’t lower your pedestal for you own mother, wife and daughter, how are you going to do so for those who do not belong to the same class and religion as you?

Why Weddings Distress Me

My brother declares with manly arrogance, “I too would have a caesarean” which inevitably causes me to remark: “Well I would hope you wouldn’t try pushing a child out of your penis”. His face swells up since after declaring his preferred method of birth he proceeded to take a large sip of water. The very second I finish my sentence, a jet of water was streaming out of his mouth and he was howling with laughter, tears streaming down his face, my cousins giggling nervously by his side. The whole evening was already bothering me; the atmosphere though relaxed was the same superficial one that I somehow can not get accustomed to even though I’ve lived in it since I was born non-casesareanly. We were watching videos of my cousin’s mehndi and looking at pictures of the wedding, causing me to relive all the irritation I felt only a week ago. I sat there thinking, why is it always the same, the same, the same fucking thing… these five thousand weddings of Lahore glorifying human stupidity. As I saw myself on screen, wearing diamonds and a dress that was horrendously expensive, my fat form swaying in a crowd of conformity, I realised for the umpteenth time that we really were all sheep bleating to our deaf selves. Choreographed dances ripped off from Bollywood movies that frankly look like aerobics, robotic stiffness, faces pinched with concentration from trying to remember every like butt shake, every little jump, vying to get it all right as if it really means something when deep down we all know it doesn’t.

I know the tension and aggravation I felt was present throughout all the ceremonies because I was there, analysing these ostentatious ceremonies with my ever ready feminist gaze. Its my own fault for being there, for getting involved, knowing I will forever chastise myself for being just another part of the flock, just another little speck of dust amidst the madness that we indulge in only to validate our largely meaningless existence. I will admit there were moments when I did enjoy myself, slightly inebriated dancing normally, not robotically. And yet… the irritation that refuses to let my mind rest still lies active under my skin. It has taken on the form of a beast ravaging not only my mind but also my body. I can not sleep again and my right leg and foot hurts now. There’s a bizarre heaviness in my already abundant chest making my massive breasts swell and hurt. I’m always the first to admit that I am truly delusional, but I have to be because I live in a mad bad world and the last family wedding readily confirmed it for me.

Some one once theorized that weddings bring out the worst in me because I know I’ll never have one since no one will marry a feminist. Despite knowing that I would never voluntarily inflict a large chaotic affair on my family and on my own self, I took it to heart. “Think about it Nabs,” he snorted, “your last relationship was disastrous. Didn’t the guy’s family threaten to disown him if he became too seriously involved in the relationship?” Eventually a sane voice from my own head came up with a better and far more believable theory that didn’t rely on past relationships, my commitment phobia or any other factor related to men. Simply put this voice was devoid of emotion when it told me: “Nabiha Meher you hate weddings because they go against much of what you believe in. You hate weddings because of your personal highly idealistic and feminist beliefs. You hate weddings because the of the sheer waste: time, money, energy and emotions. You hate weddings because your brain starts working overtime, first by analysing every little thing that happens, and then by trying to suppress the thoughts it has permanently lodged in your brain. You hate weddings because you see the world differently, from an unusual perspective.” And there’s nothing wrong with that. So I’m writing to heal and hoping that maybe, just maybe, another soul like me might just come across this and truly understand that it comes from a place of pain and aggravation trying to find an outlet and is not the diatribe of a lunatic man hating vagina loving feminist that is bound to be labelled.

My cousin’s jehaiz had to be taken in a truck. Nineteen large boxes of items she will need in her new home and trunks of clothes so that her husband never has to buy her any. According to my sister she has enough unstitched cloth to clothe her grandchildren. She even took items that we, the elite of Paki-land, use every day: large and small chaani (for tea and pakoras of course), wooden garlic and lemon presses, enough plates to throw a feast with, and my favourite item: toilet bowl cleaner. You know the blue thing that cleans as you flush; very useful item keeps the pot hygienic. Yes, indeed, we Paki women do indeed need these items when we get married. After all one surely can’t expect one’s future husband’s house to have the basics like bed sheets, sewing kits, Band-Aids, kettles, plates, toilet bowl cleaner, shampoo, toothpaste, garlic press, and the ever so necessary chaani. I have a sinking feeling that the inheritance that my mother and her sisters were not fully paid was probably used to finance this grand wedding and dowry. My father put the idea into my head when I was venting about the idiosyncrasy of feeling obliged to provide one’s husband with strainers and other ALREADY PRESENT and/or easily available kitchen tools and toilet bowl cleaners. The idea is stuck now. Like a stubborn bubble gum on the heel of my shoe or in my hair. No matter how hard I try to get rid of it, the residue remains to remind me and enrage me. My cousin also didn’t sign a pre-nuptial. If her husband ever throws her out, she can’t really legally get her chaani back.

I’m quite livid today.

5 A.M. I attempt to go to sleep, but no avail, despite the fact that my new medication is supposed to make me sleepy… Right…
Finally fall asleep at 5:45 and wake up at 6:00 covered in sweat. Must have been due to the stress that’s been fuelling me for the last two weeks.

7:15 A.M. Head to the car and drive to work, happy that it’s all over. It’s hard to concentrate while driving. The sun felt like it was burning holes in my cornea. Put on loud rock and sang along so that I wouldn’t fall asleep. (Apparently I shouldn’t be driving when “up” but I can’t help it.)
Got to school around 8 and calculated all the grades. Tons of students failed. I’ve stopped feeling bad for them. If they choose not to hand in assignments, if they choose not to re-sit their tests, if they choose not to attend class, and if they choose to do their exams really badly, then I don’t care anymore. In my opinion, they deserve to fail.

10 A.M. Meeting with the high school coordinator and homeroom teacher for grade 12. The vast majority were not just failing, they were bombing. 30%, 25%, 3%… Shockingly, they just added on grades instead of curving the grades. They decided to bring everyone up to 60% so that no one would fail. “By the time they get to grade 12, their parents have already spent millions on their education. How can we not let them graduate?” said the homeroom teacher. I was appalled to hear this; even more appalled to see that they desperately wanted everyone to graduate, despite the fact that they hadn’t done an ounce of work the whole year.

I decided to let the issue rest and went to collect my final pay cheque. Here’s where I start to feel the anger consume me. I was only being paid half my salary. Apparently I hadn’t been to school… during the exams… when I didn’t have classes… after all my classes had ended. Didn’t make any sense to me. I’m a part time teacher, who comes in for classes and leaves right after they end. I don’t understand how they could assume I wasn’t working. I was slaving my butt off to mark assignments and papers. How can I be penalised for it?

I refused to stick around for the meeting. I will not be attending graduation tomorrow. And I will also not return the exam papers until I get the money, in cash, delivered to me. I refuse to be exploited. I refuse to let this pass. I refuse to become the victim of a corrupt woman’s spend thriftiness. The woman in question is perhaps the only employer who asks for her teachers to cut their salaries. When she asked me come in again for the next academic year, she said that she’d like me to charge ten thousand less. Doesn’t make sense! Why on earth would I want to work for someone who doesn’t want to raise my pay every now and then, and instead, wants to decrease it? I’m glad I’ve left that pathetic excuse of a school. I’m glad it’s over. I can finally move on and work with decent and professional people.