Ridiculous Wedding Excuses

So you’re getting married. Great! Whoop dee doo. La la la. *rain dance*

Happy? Apparently not… somehow it seems that without a hoard of people clapping them into intercourse, they cannot be truly happy. I’ve had many people try and threaten me with: “I’m not ever coming to your wedding! No one will come to your wedding!”  only to hear this reply: “That’s the point, moron!”

Pakistani have perfected the fine art for being constantly offended for one not participating in their month long “oooh my money LOOK! Shaadi shaadi shaadi!” celebrations and Nabiha has perfected the art of sending them excessively sarcastic & rude excuses. Here are some:

  1. I fell in love
  2. I fell out of love
  3. I was about to get my period (PMS)
  4. I got my period
  5. I got post-menstrual crankiness after that. The whole month was ruined I tell you! RUINED!
  6. I chipped a nail & cried for 3 days since I’m a woman.
  7. Weddings depress me because my aim in life is to get married & pop 20 kids in a row since I am, after all, a woman. WHY won’t anyone marry me, damn it! (wailing starts)
  8. I’m due for a wedding induced aneurysm that day.
  9. My waxing lady fell sick. People would have thought a bear in sari has walked in.
  10. And I also couldn’t get my face waxed. I was shit scared someone would mistake me for a goat and sacrifice me!
  11. I am allergic to perfume. You don’t want me to die now, do you?
  12. I have erythrophobia, which is fear of the colour red (via @mahnooryawar)
  13. I burnt my sari while ironing it.
  14. I burnt the house down actually.
  15. I died temporarily. Want a doctor’s note?
  16. I went into a coma for a few weeks. What a coincidence it was during the mating season…
  17. I had promised my belly button I’d take care of all that fuzz.
  18. I have a big date with my toe-nails. They’re very long with loads of dirt. Wanna see?
  19. You spelt my name wrong. I’m not a Sheikh with an E. If you truly loved me, you’d know that. I’m so offended.  I thought we were close. I guess I was wrong. I feel betrayed. You betrayed me! (wailing)
  20. What card? Something came for Mr & Mrs Shaikh & family. My name is not family.
  21. You called my mother a Mrs. You are sexist & I a feminist. Conflict of interest here!
  22. I converted to a new religion & going to weddings is strictly prohibited. You’re welcome to join me in a pork eating ceremony though. Ooops that conflicts with your beliefs now does it? Awww but come on it’s for my happiness, na!
  23. I don’t believe in marriage. No seriously I don’t & if you don’t know that then we’re not good enough friends for me to attend your wedding anyway.
  24. I absolutely refuse to reward this shameless display of heterosexuality.
  25. I don’t attend weddings that don’t invite hijras.
  26. I’m lactose intolerant. I accidentally ate some cheese and spent the evening farting.
  27. You’re a firm believer in horoscopes, right? Well, my astrologer told me not to leave the house because I was in danger since Venus was in retrograde & Scorpio was blocking the sun! Apparently an anvil would have hit me on the head…
  28. I was busy writing a rant about how much I hate you for inviting me to your wedding. Oh, and your present is not making it public by putting it up on my blog.
  29. Errmm when were we even friends?! Just because I know you, doesn’t mean I like you enough to put on a sari.

And here are some actual conversations I’ve had:

“Oh you see the thing is that I fell off the toilet, hit my head on the floor & got amnesia.”

“But you missed the WHOLE wedding. When did this happen?”

“Errmm what were your dates again?”

“You missed my wedding!” said an indignant cousin. “WHY weren’t you there?”

“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. My allergies were acting up. I thought I was going to die! It’s a miracle I’m alive, really.”

“That’s so sad, Nabs. So sorry to hear that & now I understand, you poor thing. What are you allergic to anyway?”

“Weddings and aunties…”

All jokes aside, the people I personally judge the most are those who don’t even consider giving me a break for this very genuine excuse: “it’s exam/essay time. My students need me & I need to mark papers, not shake butt cheeks.” Just the very fact that someone is asking me to sacrifice education for their shameless display of riches in a poor land speaks volumes about their character. Anyone who thinks that their self-indulgent events are more important than education is, frankly, someone I’d rather not associate with. They are not the kind of company I keep.

Furthermore, the next time someone tells me to at least show my face (the moun to dekha do! whine) I’m going in pjs with oil in hair, unthreaded, unshowered, looking worse than anyone can even imagine. Either that or I’m sending this picture:

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39 thoughts on “Ridiculous Wedding Excuses

  1. hahaha could relate to this! i like weddings but of very close friends and family. and yes the most irritating part is to greet aunties who are always looking for some way or the other to get u tied up as well!

  2. thoroughly enjoyed it even though i am married. BTW, no one came to my wedding ( except me and my wife ) but that is another story ……

  3. love it!! ❤ I am gonna steal some of these for my extended family this summer. I LOVE Indian/Pakistani weddings but I don't like ALL the people that invite me. *shoots self*

    p.s. GREAT picture 😉

  4. re: WHY won’t anyone marry me, damn it!
    refer to photograph above

    re: I don’t attend weddings that don’t invite hijras.

    You contradict yourself. That you used this excuse means you were invited.

  5. Just because you are smart and intelligent doesn’t mean that you should start behaving in an irresponsible manner and star talking in stupidly kiddish or vulgar language such as making womanhood sound stooping so low and please your pic with your tongue sticking out is not neithr cute nor funny at all and it made me puck as a matter of fact and with this kind of unsavory behavior you don not have any right to interpret or re-interpret our Holy Quran or teach us how our current curriculum should be fixed. (re. Zia’s Children.)

  6. Careful there Iqra, you sound a bit bitter! There are lots of different ways of being a woman you know. Being an independent woman who takes responsibility for her own pleasures is just as valid as choosing a life of dependence on a man and deriving any pleasures vicariously through others.

    Or would you prefer a single mould of being a woman forced on all and sundry.

  7. blah blah blah! You think your starting a revolution on the internet by sitting on your fat butt like all the rest of the lonely 60 billion people in this world ahahahaha. I can bet your not going to get anywhere with this “I’m a women” thing. Your so pretentious, posing like your a delinquent american teenage girl with her tongue sticking out won’t get you anywhere, and the picture is pretty damn ugly anyone who says different is either lying to you or is legally blind. If you want to be a REAL women revolutionizer you have to be like Susan B. Anthony,Elizabeth Cady Stanton,Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem. That’s why America has been so progressive with everything because they actually have smart people starting there revolution. What does Pakistan have? people like you! that’s why we aren’t going to get anywhere…

    • I don’t censor stupidity, which is why your comments are being approved. Your venom is certainly oh so productive! And your spellings are too funny. “there” revolution LOL! I know 3 year olds who can spell better!

      If someone with your low level of thought says I’m ugly, I’m going to take it at as HUGE compliment. Thanks.

  8. I have to assume that you have no mental capacity to respond to the substance of my criticism above. Merely pointing out a spelling mistake does not refute my argument on any intellectual grounds. You have once again proven to be nothing more than an arrogant and thoughtless Pakistani elite.

    • I can’t be bothered to use my mental capacity on those who don’t deserve it. You started off with ad hominem attacks, which proved to me that you’re a regular ghatia moron who thinks that they can get under my skin by writing such inane comments. I know your kind of trolls & I certainly know who all sent you here to write comments like this. I cannot and will not be decent or nice to those who can’t be bothered to do the same. If you want decent dialogue, behave decently. It’s as simple as that.

    • And what mental capacity do YOU have Iqra? It seems you have nothing better to do than hide behind a highly ironic screen name (since clearly you yourself are incapable of reading properly) and cuss out people you know nothing about. If you want to challenge or criticize something Nabiha is saying, do it in a manner she can respond to. Not with personal attacks.

      You have no “argument” here, all you are doing is being a troll. So tell me, what does that prove to us about you?

      • Kamil, why are you bothering with parhay likhay jahils? Let them come & show the world their true colours. Karnay do bakwaas. Those who lack brains can only respond with nonsense. And we both know who sends these trolls here.

      • Are you one of Nabiha’s sycophants. Or are you one of her majesty’s court jesters? If yes, then just care to shut up and not to interfere between her and me.

      • Says the troll sent by Nabiha hating sycophants. Oh that’s rich. Is the pot calling the kettle black? Hahaha. Iqra stop spamming. I’m going to stop approving.

  9. well, i still think you are CHEAP and you still haven’t responded to my above criticism. Just stop behaving like a 15yr old spoiled brat and i’ll think about treating you in a better way.

    • Nope I will not be bothered with being decent to people like you. Like I said, I know who sent you & honestly, it’s just getting pathetic now.

      I don’t censor comments (especially those that reflect utter stupidity because they just help me prove my point) so feel free to keep wasting your time & commenting away.

  10. @Kamil Hamid: Are you one of Nabiha’s sycophants or are you one of the jesters in her majesty’s court? If you are one(as I usually am good at assessment) then care to shut up and stop interfering between her and me.

    • I am Iqra with nothing productive to do. In fact, the only thing that has me going is ranting on this blog just because I don’t like what I hear. I am soooo livid and have soooo much free time on my hands that I will write comments TWICE. Roooaarr.

      LOL Iqra you’re one of the biggest, most venemous morons I’ve come across recently. Typical jahil attacking me & demanding I treat you with respect. I know my refusal to take you seriously is getting under your skin, but you should know that I just cannot, no matter what, take people like you seriously. I have this thing called a brain. Oh, and it works.

      And I’m warning you: comment more and I’ll report you as spam. I like decent discourse on my blog. I approve nonsense because it just proves my point, but you’ve proven you’re an idiot already. Now move on to someone else.

    • What’s the matter Iqra? Don’t like being called out for your stupidity? It’s amusing that you claim Nabiha hasn’t responded to any of your points (when really, you’ve made none) and in the same breath also do not respond to any of MINE.
      I think we can all appreciate the supreme irony in your name, being what it is!

      Nabs, you should write some more about these LGS gremlins and their two-penny bitchy comments- especially the one that’s sent this troll after you.

  11. Since I’m pretty much done with what I wanted to say, I have no more desire left in me to write to you or any one of your nincompoop “chamchas” so go ahead spam report me or have a spam cop knocking at my door, what ever…who the f*** cares! If you have the stamina to listen to the truth, then listen carefully …if you can string a few senseless words together in a crappy language left as a legacy to the people of South Asia by british (read brutish) gora sahib that eventually deformed into an intolerable sickness called “colonial complex”, and that if you think that nonsensical ability, emanating from the same sickness gives you an edge over some foolhardy people then who cares. I would frankly tell you that I am not impressed by you at all and neither are those who care for substance and intellectualism rather than by mere rhetorics . You are an empty barrel there, miss drama queen!

    • Thank you Iqra. Any insults coming from you are taken as a HUGE compliment. I’ve said many times: sometimes being hated by moronic parhay likhay jahils (and their trolls) is a better than critical acclaim. It means I’ve achieved my goal. Your definition of those who care for “substance & intellectualism” is the opposite of the real definition of intelligence so, again, huge compliment.

      I know EXACTLY who sent you now. They’ve stupidly called people who agree with me (including people I’ve never met who have something good to say) “chamchas” before and also responded to valid criticism by dismissing it as “drama queen”. Typical. At least they’ve stopped with the “jealous & insecure” rant!

      Get over yourselves. Good to know that was your last comment. I’m going to stop approving all trolls now. You are an excellent example. I need no more.

  12. pop 20 kids in a row since I am, after all, a woman!!! LoL thats an epic line!!! Nice work Nabiha

    P.S I used to admire the name “Iqra”. Still do but with exceptions now.

    Love

  13. @sohaib; just as you can’t stop admiring my name “IQRA ABBAS”, its as obnoxious and ugly as my face. i a big whore slut. blah blah blah. i am such a troll. i should be awarded with a bitch slap.

    i am not a woman. i am a hijra. here’s the proof. this is my email address: aktarabbas@hotmail.com

    and i’m a coward who uses proxies so my ip address for this useless comment is: 67.149.88.4

    oh how i wish someone would just kill me and make the world a better place!

  14. Hello!!
    I just spent 3 long hours on your blog!
    BTW I was one of your students at LUMS
    Please write something about the annoying penalty you used to scare us with..
    It was fun finding out on the last day that….(let’s not ruin the fun)
    well please write something

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