DO NOT read this blog post

I just want to start by saying that if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like what I have to say, then what you are doing here, on my blog? If you have issues with the way I write or what I address, then please it’s best for you to leave now. If you’d like to read on, then I wonder why you’re making the effort to choose to be offended. Perhaps you, like most Pakistanis, suffer from a severe persecution complex but are in deep denial of it (don’t know what that is? Click here!). I don’t know and I don’t care. What I do care about is that there are people who choose to come read me, make a big issue about what I say, and then cry about it. Funny thing is, these are the same people who’ll insist Rushdie did no wrong and that only idiots make a big deal out of not much. The irony is amazing!

I have a brilliant idea for you all. DON’T. READ. THIS. BLOG. Go here instead. It’s more up your alley.

You still here? Not willing to leave? Ok then. I won’t tell you what this blog is about. I’ll tell you about what it’s not. I’ve recently decided there are certain topics I should not write about because they have to do with the elite. And since we know the elite are our saviours and champions, I must not have anything but praise for them.

So the elite are our champions, I urge you: don’t buy this propaganda against them that circulates the internet from bitter, jealous, insecure fools. They’re the kind of fools who call them liberal fascists and spread lies to further their interests.

For example: no privileged Pakistani has ever actually killed someone while drunk driving. That rumour stems from the jealous middle classes who can’t afford champagne. I mean come on! Drunk driving hasn’t killed ANYONE. If it did, wouldn’t many people be serving time in jail? It certainly isn’t easy to get out of convictions if you’re rich. Not at all.

“Haan mein nay mara tha! I did his family a favour. They’ve probably never seen so much money!” has never been said with glee. Those words have never been uttered. No one is that insensitive. And, like I said, NO ONE has ever run over a sleeping worker on the side of the road and ended his life. No one. That’s all lies and propaganda. I mean they’re rich enough to have drivers to drive them. They don’t need to get behind the wheel while judgement is impaired. No one ever tempted to do that. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Similarly, no rich, self identified liberal Pakistani has ever given a bribe or received one. They are immune to the epidemic the rest of the society suffers from, our lords, champions and saviours! For example, they have never, ever, ever bribed powerful people in the industry they are associated with. They have never done any judges any favours. They have never made promises to any politicians. They certainly haven’t ever made a powerful network with the army wallahs (those scums!). They’re lily white. Don’t you ever forget that.

The elite are also the biggest feminists in Pakistan. If it weren’t for them, women would have no rights. We’d be sitting in our chaadar and char diwaari. We owe them everything. Don’t believe me? Just see how wonderfully they treat their women. No elite man cheats on his wife openly. No elite uncles molest girls or sexually exploits 18 year olds. No elite man beats his wife and they certainly don’t slap women across the face when drunk at parties. No elite man date rapes anyone. No elite man ever emotionally devastates a woman. No elite gay man has ever married a young girl & turned her into a baby machine for himself. No elite man pressures his daughter to marry someone to further his business interests. No elite man denies his daughter her right to education and gets her married instead. No elite families give grand dowries. No elite people truly think women are secondary to men. That’s why elite women have such high divorce rates: when they do accidentally marry an idiot (always “middle class”), rest assured NO ONE in their families gives a hard time or tells her to make it work. Rest assured they NEVER blame the woman. Rest assured they are nothing but an incredible support system. No elite mother has ever said: “deal with it beti, your father did all this to me too!” to her daughter and sent her back to beaten. That has never, ever happened. All elite treat women wonderfully. That’s why the elite women are so well adjusted and so wise. Anyone who says otherwise is a… yes, say it with me: jealous and insecure fool!

The elite are also the most hamdard people in Pakistan. They feel everyone’s pain on a profound level. They truly understand the poor people’s suffering. They cry for them. They treat them better than anyone in this society. Their servants have servants! Go to the back of any elite house and you’ll see a palatial area, fully air conditioned, nothing squalid or dirty. Their servants live like kings which is why no servant has ever stolen or gone as far as murdered their benevolent employees. After all, elite boys don’t get drunk, line up servants against a wall and throw water balloons at them. That has never happened.

Did you know that the money the elite spend on their grand weddings is nothing compared to how much charity they give? Also, these weddings aren’t grand displays of wealth at all. We stupidly think so because we’re too poor to know any better. We’re also wrong to believe that these weddings puts pressure on all other classes to do the same. We’re totally wrong in thinking that if these events were less ostentatious, others may not feel so pressured. When the other classes choose to sacrifice their daughter’s education in order to give her a grand wedding, then they are the idiots for making the wrong choice. Elitism had nothing to do with it.

Our elite are NOT hypocrites. No, not at all. They praise me for criticising everyone they don’t like, but lose it when I comment on elitism. You see, dear readers, I’m the one who doesn’t know any better. I’m wrong. I’m just plain insane about this but not much else.

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17 thoughts on “DO NOT read this blog post

  1. I. LOVE. YOU.

    Can I laugh now, please? :p

    PS You missed one: The elite are so pure they wouldn’t know sin if it got up and kicked them in their grand old A.

    • Love you too Rabab. Laugh away! And that’s a good one. They really do believe this! People find it amusing how a group of people can totally convince themselves that they perfect. “we are the best because we are the best” is the circular “argument”.

  2. Superb post. One of the best things I read on elite. They have the same attitude across the globe. However in South Asia, they are more vicious because it is we who give them too much importance. You may like to read Shobhaa De’s Socialite Evenings to know a similar behavious in Indian Elites. You will come across a lot of dirty events you were talking about. Especially the feminist para. Nice one.
    P.S. Keep continue writing & don’t password protect your posts.

  3. Loved the post. You have beautifully described the characteristics of these elites. They have the same characteristics across the globe. But in south asia we give them too much importance & they actually ‘believe’ that they can do anything they want. You may like to read to read Socialite Evenings by Shobhaa De. There are stories, about all the things you mentioned in feminist para, in that novel. Few days back I was having an argument at a blog of Pakistani Elite( who is a famous Jewellery designer, accused of plagiarism) & she used languages which I can’t mention here. And same is the behavior of Indian elites. If they can’t beat you in argument then you are ‘jealous’ & all.
    P.S. don’t password protect your blog posts

    • I’ve only ever password protected one & it will remain password protected. It is too dark. My friends can handle that side of me because they have seen it & can understand it without getting disturbed by it. Others can’t and I can’t ethically subject everyone to thoughts so dark.

  4. haye allah
    i thought you were the elite one, you bare headed heathen, who spews such dirty ideas of angraizi tehzeeb and ejucation

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