Dear Aunty

Dear aunty,

Thank you for asking when I’m getting married. I assume you asked because you believe it is the next logical step in my life and you’d like to be there for me.

I’m touched. Truly, truly touched and I, too, would like to be there for you for your next logical step which is death. So when exactly will that be aunty? Could you please provide me with a date, time and location so that I don’t accidentally miss the funeral? And could you please let me know what type of mourning you expect in advance? Wailing, theatrical and over the top or restrained?

And thank you for telling me you know a very nice boy you could get me in touch with. I happen to know a great euthanasia clinic in Switzerland I could send you the details for.

Lots of love from the deep pits of my heart & soul,

Nabiha Meher

Swiss clinic idea via @Eskriv

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12 thoughts on “Dear Aunty

  1. Ah the Aunties of the world, always concerned for the hymen between our legs and the biological clock that has been ticking up a storm since we sprouted hair on our upper lip.

  2. Additional suggestion: The next time an aunty approaches you at a wedding, starts wailing and asking: “When will it be your turn?!”, be sure to remember her carefully.
    When you inevitably find yourself attending a funeral with said aunty in close proximity, be sure to mimic her wailing ask: “When will it be your turn?!”

  3. That ‘womb cries’ thing is messed up, and really widespread; I remember reading some Western article that mocked the same ‘myth’ too. A woman’s fetus has more personhood than her, and apparently so does her womb itself…It is even more ironic considering those may very well be tears of relief because the excessive build-up of uterine lining that must then be shed is a protective mechanism–because human beings as a species have highly parasitic, potentially dangerously infiltrative embryos.

    That being said, I’m tired of harping on aunties. It is easier to run them down than the men and the patriarchy behind them. Like prisoners who ingratiate themselves with the warden get beaten up by other inmates, they face far more anger than is their due simply because they are accessible. The system does not protect THEM, even if it tosses them a few extra scraps every now and then as a reward for their obedience.

    • I agree. I’ve always maintained they’re victims of patriarchy. But see here’s what gets my goat: my aunties are WILLING victims. They are elite and privileged so they benefit from it immensely.They also know their lives would be easier if they didn’t think too much. It’s kinda sad.

  4. That’s what an aunty might say but I agree with the others…that is just…wrong!…I mean…seriously!
    Did she read it? What was her reaction?
    Aunties are different but it is what you grow up with, what is said to people so often that they start believing it and agree to it and I do not exactly blame them but they should try to change their thoughts…again the thing was messed up

    • Errmmm this wasn’t aimed at one aunty nor has any random aunty reacted (yet- only a matter of time before one decides it’s about her alone and calls up my mother to whine about it). “When are you getting married?! You SHOULD be married? Why are you throwing your life away! Settle down! Pagal ho tum. Tum larkioun ka acha khaasa dimagh kharaab hai. Kon si aurat koi bachay or husband nahin chaiee?” etc is something one expects to hear from most aunties. I’ve reached a point where I now simply avoid them. I just stop meeting them or spending any time with them. Why? Because it’s not worth it. Once in a while I’m happy to reason with the many aunties I am related to but unfortunately, some of them are too close minded to even bother with. It’s pointless. All it leads to is emotional drama and more abuse about how “crazy” I am. Not worth it.

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